No Vacancy

I felt like a turkey standing out in the rain. Turkeys, being rather dumb creatures, will stand out in the rain staring up at the sky and allow themselves to be drowned; at this point in my life I find it a rather fitting metaphor. Where do you go when you have no place to call home? What do you do when you’ve failed at everything you’ve ever tried? A lot of people will tell you that hard work and perseverance will get you far, but what happens when it doesn’t? As thunder rattled in the distance, I looked up into the sky letting the rain pelt my face; what could I have done differently in my life that didn’t lead to a card board box in a down town alley way? In school I had people tell me how smart I was, how I would go far in life, and so far I had proven them all wrong. Many people think bums are where they’re at because they are lazy, worthless people who don’t want to work, but what if you are homeless because there are no jobs left? What if your government outsourced all the jobs to foreign countries or better yet brought in more foreigners then your country could handle? Giving them first crack at jobs, schooling, business loans, what if your country didn’t give a damn about how its native born people survived? Meandering over to a business building I searched the ash tray outside for a decent cigarette as I had no money to buy my own and there was no one out in this weather to bum off of. Finding one that had only been half smoked, I plucked it out, put it to my lips, and lit it. Some people might tell me how unhygienic this practice is, but when you are rooting through garbage to find something good to eat, sleeping on cold wet concrete, and have no creditable health care anyways, who gives a damn? Death is almost preferable. People will tell you there are programs for the homeless like shelters, or government aid, maybe even try the job corps; you ever been to a homeless shelter? First off if you don’t make it through the doors at a certain time you can bet your ass you won’t get a bed. Then, if you do get a bed, it’s infested with bed bugs, lice, and if you’re lucky the guy who slept on it before you didn’t pee in it. Then, if you have possessions, you have to worry about people stealing them, not to mention the rape, bullying, murder, and other dark subjects brought out by shoving so many desperate people into close quarters. The job corps is a joke that no one is laughing at. On a first come first serve basis it’s over crowded with the same desperate people, the staff is underpaid or volunteer based so their level of caring is zilch, and with the jobs so thin to begin with you’re lucky if you can get set up with a part time job mopping floors at the local McDonalds. It’s not just frustrating; it’s down right infuriating that those who try to find employment can’t. People don’t take under account that one needs a career in this world to survive, not just a job. If you’re looking for government aid, don’t; unless you are a pregnant woman or foreign. First off the government never gives something for nothing, so if you take cash aid, you will wind up paying it back unless, yup you guessed it, you are foreign or a mother expecting or with children. The food stamps they allot out are hardly worth the hassle of standing in line because they don’t last the month out and what homeless person has the means of keeping food? Best of all, to qualify for any of this, you have to meet the task of going ten places a day to fill out paper applications, which makes a lot of sense as most businesses have moved from paper applications to on line applications, and compile on bus fair too and from these places when you have no money; talk about chasing your tail! Walking with no particular direction I came across a church. Hoping to get out of the rain for a moment or two I went to try the door but found it locked; great, even God locked his doors to me! It’s almost impossible to hold faith when living on the street anyways with all the crap you see people doing to each other or even themselves. What kind of higher power would allow his children to suffer this injustice, or suffer the travesties that had befallen a person like me, and when I die, would I want to be by his side anyways? If and when I did meet him, I’d spit in his face! I flicked my half a cigarette away from me onto the street as it was now burnt to the butt. We need to quit lying to ourselves and our children; none of us are special, and life’s not all peaches and cream. You can, and most people often do, fail at life. From the womb we have this preconceived notion that if we dream it, we can do it; bullshit I say! You think the school janitor wanted that life? You think maids, or assembly line workers, or even a bum on the street didn’t have a dream at one point in their life? Bottom line is, we don’t always get what we want and life doesn’t owe us a damn thing, and even hard work sometimes just isn’t enough when the deck is stacked against you.

The Patriot

I could smell myself. You know that pungent aroma you get from not taking a shower for a week; that kind of smell. It wasn’t my odoriferous assault that snapped me back into reality though, I’m rather sure it was the sight of my shoes. The leather was a bit scuffed as I had been wearing them since my last job interview. I hadn’t gotten a call back since I had gone into California Health Group for my interview exactly one week ago and I was relatively sure they weren’t going to call me back at this point, despite the fact I had called them every day since then. My tie hung loose about my neck, I was rather surprised to find I hadn’t lost it yet. My shirt was un-tucked from my black slacks. It had been a rather nice shirt at one time, white and pressed, now stained with sweat and dirt. It had accented the nice dark blue tie my daughter had gotten me for a past Fathers Day; maybe that’s why I hadn’t lost the tie. The hand that was free from a half empty bottle of Cognac reached up to rub the week old growth on my face, I would have thought myself a pitiful sight at this point if I had really bothered to care about it. The air outside was cold and crisp with a slight breeze, as only an autumn night could be before it began to rain. You could smell the dampness in the air and it almost made the thick smog that hung over the city breathable; another cigarette would be welcomed at this point. I pulled the pack from my shirt pocket, flipped open the top and pulled the last one out with my lips; damn, I was out of money to buy more. Tossing the empty box behind me I pulled out my lighter and flicked the flint with my thumb sending what seemed like a blazing light up for just a moment, but with my first puff of smoke it was gone just as fast as it had come, leaving the dull glow of the ember at the end of my smoke. It often baffled me, the times I decided to reflect upon my life, but I suppose this was a good a time as any. I had been so sure of myself, so confident that this was my way out. In the failing economy I was sure that a job interview was a sign that things might finally turn around for me. I had kissed my daughter on the head and she had looked up at me with that glimmer of hope in her eyes that her hero, her daddy, would make things better; ah the trust of a child. My wife wouldn’t even look at me as I left; she hadn’t even touched me in months so it came as no surprise. Too long had I been a disappointment to her I suppose, being three years out of work can take its toll on a relationship as bills pile higher, money get’s thinner, and salvation seems bleak at best. It pained me that I hadn’t seen either in a week, especially my daughter as I’m not sure that my wife would notice that I wasn’t around. The thought made me thirsty so I put my bottle up to my lips and took a long pull from it, bringing it away in a gasp. Though I suppose time is rather irrelevant when you have no where to go, nothing to do, and nothing to show for a life of hard work and dedication. I obtained three different degrees, a military background, a spotless criminal record, and for what? I still had nothing to show for it except broken dreams, false hope, and an empty pack of cigarettes. Taking another drag from my cigarette I scuffed the cement with my shoes; who cares? They were already scuffed. I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell my lungs out I was so frustrated with the world, myself, my wife, my life. I looked to the stars, but they held no answers for me. They just sat there twinkling, dancing in and out of the rolling black clouds that threatened rain. My daughter had wanted to be a dancer, but when I had lost my job we didn’t have the money to continue her lessons. She said she understood; but I didn’t. How could a country as proud and as strong as ours break the very back that carried it by outsourcing jobs to foreign lands just to save a buck? By bringing in more foreigners then the country could afford and giving them the jobs, schooling, and housing that should go to American born citizens? Setting up programs that helped people from other countries and not our own, the land of the free and the home of the welfare check; this land was no longer my home. People like to yell that there’s enough room for everyone until there’s no money left to support that theory. That if I don’t like how America is doing things I should move to a different country. If I hadn’t loved America, I would have never served in its military, I would have never paid my taxes on time, I would have never exercised my right to vote or bear arms, or keep abreast of the news that was about my beloved nation. How could they say I don’t love my home, I helped build it. Just because I don’t agree with where things are heading, which by the look of it is down the toilet, doesn’t mean I’m not an American; it just means I’m fed up with the way things are going. I’m tired of being out of a job, tired of telling my wife and daughter I can’t give them the things they want or need, I’m tired of struggling. People like to tell you there is war over seas, but there is a different type of war on this soil; or maybe not so different. With my head swimming I looked out into the horizon as I began to feel cool, refreshing raindrops splatter against my face. I could hear the traffic of a million people with their own thoughts, worries, joys, and sorrows. The lights of the city seemed to swirl together with the smoke from my almost finished cigarette. Maybe tomorrow would bring the hope of peace and tranquility I so sorely sought. Maybe tomorrow would bring my wife and daughter the money they needed to go on with their lives, rich, happy, and full. As my foot left the edge of the building I was standing on top of, on my way down, I could only hope for a better tomorrow.

The Spirit of Religion

What makes a religion right? What makes it just? Is it the scripture or is it the people who follow it? I think it's kinda both. In Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi and even in another graphic novel I read Maus by Art Spiegelman, religion plays a big roll in the why's and the wherefores of why things went on. Women being forced to cover their hair, being segregated and even executed because your Jewish, wtf over? I have dabbled in most religions, (which is how I came to the Asatru faith) and most scriptures have one common underlined principal: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you!" Bottom line, bar none, wake up and smell the coffee, this means "treat other people as how you would like to be treated yourself." Which is not limited but includes religious beliefs even if their views are difference than yours. How is it that tolerance is at an all time low when these simple words are at the heart of any spiritual scripture? How is it that two people of different faiths could not respect one anthers beliefs if they truly love each other? Maybe that's the problem, we don't understand what it is to love anymore as sentient beings, we only care about our views and perceptions of the world at hand, which is a travesty, as there is so much beauty in diversity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deE9yHiX9i0

War Pigs

Wow! What a powerful presentation by Sky and Bryce, hats off! This really hit home for me as I was a Marine stationed at Camp LeJeune, North Carolina and have seen some of the after math that not only the Iraqi War but many others, have effected the mind state of our troops. The increase in domestic violence, drug trafficking, and drunk and disorderly have alarmingly skyrocketed amongst our solders. There is a saying in the military that it will turn you into one of three things: a drunk, a P.T (or physical training) nut, or a religious freak. Seeing as how I'm still scrawny and I only have stability in my religious and spiritual views you can guess the path that I chose. Good thing for me that now I am only a social drinker, (not to mention I have no money to waist on pleasures as such.) Unfortunately any of these roads can lead to destruction, as they say "too much of anything is a bad thing."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wo135x0oXo8

Myrter or Dumb Ass?

I really have no clue as to how to feel about the subject of having a family member in jail. In Persepolis the author has many family members in and out of jail, (some even die there,) yet she considers them heroes. I guess they were freedom fighters, but what about a man protecting his children? If he picks up a gun and kills his ex wife for abusing and allowing abuse upon his three son's does this make his actions correct, or does it make him a dumb ass for not bringing it to the attention of others. Or if he did bring it to the attention of proper authorities, why the hell didn't they do anything about it before it got this bad? Why would they wait until the man got pushed to the brink of madness and then rake him over the coals for trying to protect his children? Fortunately for me the mother of my children isn't abusive, she's just a bad parent, (I don't know how that's any better but I guess it has to be because I haven't done anything stupid yet.) Though I don't know if I could, I'm just not violent enough to take another life, and if my children were in danger I would hope that I was wise enough to make the right decision, not a rash one that could ruin more lives than just mine.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W69SSLfRJho

A rubber ball

How do you bounce back from not just a bad relationship, but one that has totally screwed you up so bad that any sane person wouldn't want you for all the money in the world? I keep telling myself I can come back from this but being 32 and single with two kids is almost impossible. I'm good looking, smart, sensitive, witty, but yet try as I might every time I let a woman into my life, it seems to go down hill. Take my last girlfriend for example. From the moment I got with her I was paying her bills (and mine), taking care of her kids (and mine), working crazy overtime to help compensate for the child support going out for my kids, cooking, cleaning house, and yet it still wasn't enough for her to give me any kind of decent attention. Not saying I was a saint (as the relationship went on I got more and more frustrated so I started doing dumb shit things just to piss her off) but I never cheated, never hit her, hell...I barely even yelled; yet try as I might...it still ended up in the toilet. The story of Noah said it best, "in every life rain must fall which is why you should partner up, as it makes weathering it all that more bearable." Yet as the storm of life rages on I still find myself cold and alone...long live the bachelor.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjM1Lrsb7I8

To the Faithful...

Ever had some one cheat on you? It sucks, especially when it's with a family member. The mother of my two kids slept with my younger cousin (at the time she was 32 and he was 22.) I still don't talk to my cousin even though they don't date anymore. I can safely say I have never cheated on a girlfriend or significant other and I can also assuredly say that, (because of my past with the subject and how it made me feel,) that I never will. That oath hasn't helped me in my relationships yet but hay...I'm sure there's a girl out there that will appreciate me someday. In Persepolis she had her very first boyfriend cheat on her, but we pick up the pieces and carry on with our lives as that is all we can do from there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wG6pSfgdec